A challenge of contradictions

June 14th, 2006-

Up until four months ago, I generally behaved fairly normally in public. Back then, I’d never sung outside of the comfort of my shower and I always wore clean clothes. My house was fairly neat from its weekly mop and vacuum routine and on most nights, I cooked a simple dinner that my husband and I enjoyed in the breakfast nook while catching up on each other’s days. Yes, back then, I lived like a million other twenty-seven-year-old woman. I had a job, two dogs and a husband. But that was four months ago. That was before my son Joey was born.

Yesterday, I caught myself standing in the middle of the bread aisle swaying back and forth while singing “Old McDonald Had a Farm”. My cart stood abandoned in the middle of the aisle, half-full of groceries while I bounced my four-month-old son, Joey, trying to keep him from screaming. A large clump of white spit-up slowly trickled down the back of my old gray sweatshirt and landed with a splat on the floor. An older woman walked by and raised her eyebrows at me and informed me that my baby was hungry and that I might want to consider feeing him. I honestly considered kicking her in the shin. I continued singing at the top of my lungs and started to do lunges and make silly faces at Joey, but to no avail. Finally, I grabbed my purse and high-tailed out of the store, hoping to escape before the grocery clerk noticed that I left a cart full of melting ice cream in the middle of the bread aisle.

Yes, my little seven pound, fourteen ounce bundle of joy entered my world and turned it upside down in a matter of minutes. His chubby cheeks and bright blue eyes turned me into a cooing and gurgling fool who sings silly songs in public and dances through the grocery aisle. Since Joey’s arrival, my life has changed in ways that only a mother can understand. The trivial things from my former life fade from my mind when my son smiles and coos and melts my heart in an instant. Still, a small part of me wonders if it is possible to hold on to parts of the old me, to maintain some semblance of sanity and womanhood while being a parent. I wonder if it’s possible to be a good mother as well as a great wife, organized housekeeper, a fabulous friend and a strong woman.

How can I be a great parent and a strong, organized and successful woman at the same time? It seems like a challenge full of contradictions. How can I allow my son the freedom to play and explore yet keep my house presentable for company? How can I spend my days playing peek-a-boo and the itsy-bitsy spider yet still have the energy to maintain my adult relationships? How can I strive to learn and grow as a person when I hardly have time to take a shower or put on makeup? This is the challenge that all new mothers face and I am right in the midst of it. So, all of you new moms who have three spare minutes between your baby’s nap and next feeding, make yourself a cup of tea and join me. You never know, the baby might even sleep long enough for you to drink it.
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