The oblivious shower method

Monday, July 3, 2006 2:29 pm

I would be a huge proponent of the "No Cry" method if only my son would stop crying when I put him in his crib. Instead, at naptime, I'm a proponent of the "Oblivious Shower Method", a sanity saving strategy that I have developed in the last few months. It works like this: First, I read my son a story, sing him a song and smother him with kisses. I tell him at least fifteen times that his mommy loves him. Then, I put him in his crib, turn the mobile on and make my getaway. I escape into my own bathroom, where I hop in the shower. I turn the water on hot and I leave my conditioner in for the full three minutes. By the time I get done, Joey is sleeping peacefully and I have some precious me time.

In order to prove that I'm not the most callous mother in the world, I want you to know that I gave the "No Cry" method a full hour's attempt before I realized that the "No Cry" method was really the "Baby-gets-to-sleep-in-his-mom's-arms-all-night" method. I also tried to "Ferberize" little Joey. I'd put him down and then sit outside his room and listen to him wail. I'd cringe as he gasped and cry when he screamed until I couldn't bear it. I was too weak-willed, and within minutes I'd go in and do the unthinkable. I'd take him out of his crib and cuddle and coo to him until he calmed down. I'm sure all of you seasoned parents are thinking "rookie mistake", but I'm too new at this to understand the repercussions.

Finally, with no other option, I stumbled upon the "Oblivious Shower" method. It was naptime and I had rocked him for more than twenty minutes and he'd fall asleep in my arms only to wake up the instant his head touched the crib sheet. My hair was matted with spit-up from two days sans shower and my clothes were drenched in drool. In that sleep-deprived moment, when I was at the end of my rope and the end of my wardrobe, the kill-two-birds-with-one-stone "Oblivious Shower" method dawned on me. It worked. Joey was out and I was clean. A proud moment to remember and cherish as I reflect on the early days of motherhood.

Since that day, I've gotten the "Oblivious Shower" method down to a science. I know exactly when to make my escape and exactly how long it takes me to shave my legs and wash my hair. Joey usually is asleep by the time I turn the water on (although I wouldn't know if he wasn't). He naps happily and wakes up smiling. I'm thinking about writing a book. Maybe one day new mothers will be sitting around in coffee shops talking about "Showerizing" their babies. It's a foolproof method. You really should try it